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Thursday, 16 May 2019

It’s only words that all I have


Words can’t do justice to high octane impulses running inside me, it seems like even words are hell-bent to betray me. I am still not able to come in terms with “enough is enough”. Where did it all go wrong or maybe it was never right at first place, everything was just an illusion, a web of fantastic imaginations inside my mind.

I have tried everything under the sun to mend this unluckily broken piece of “Knowing each other well”, from being apologetic every time something went wrong even if solely not because of me, to making myself available when I could have made things easier. I have been submissive, taken all insults like it was meant to be good for me in hindsight and no it is not called self-pity, it is called valuing the comradery over personal feelings. I have backed out when I thought that was the best way possible, forced myself to silence when I didn’t want to deteriorate things any further.    

I am running out of excuses to make myself believe that things can still be done to make everything better, even if just not as good as earlier. I never expected too much, never had any hidden motto. Everything was just as casual as it should have been, wonder what made it to be perceived so differently.

It’s not what happened that puzzles me, it’s why it happened that makes me anxious. I wish I knew when it all started to go wrong, I would have done everything to bring it on track but maybe it is too late now. I have mere words to try to put forward things going inside me, I wish I could project everything going inside me on a paper, all the guilt, the deceptions, the helplessness, the affection and honest respect that can never be erased.

The worst distance between 2 people is misunderstanding and there is no unit to measure it than just to realize it. Still hopeful, still mindful!! 

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